I am not a good writer and I am most definitely not good with words. But all of today, I felt somehow called to share my journey with the world (or really the few people that may have just coincidentally found themselves upon this page). To be honest, this blog is not so much about the whoever may read this, but more about me sharing with the world the joys, the triumphs, and the biggest struggles of my life. Because quite frankly, I am AWFUL at sharing my feelings. I hide everything and bury it deep inside me and it’s been slowly eating away at me. I always feel like I want to share what is really going on, but I don’t know how. Until today, when I felt God calling me to start this blog. And so I begin by telling you about some suffering I endured last night.
Long story short, yesterday I found out that I most likely will not be getting much financial aid for my upcoming school year: the year of all years, my senior year. To say the least, the difference might be about a $5,000+ difference. The night began with me thinking that I will have to quit school because I can’t possibly manage to come up with that kind of money (if not more).
A few hours later, I was on Skype with my dad and sister, tears running down my face, feeling defeated, helpless, and full of fear for my future. This conversation, though it wasn’t the worst conversation in the world, was one of the hardest conversations I’ve had. For once in, probably forever, my family and I were able to open up to each other and be real. Honest. Vulnerable. We shared our struggles, and we resolved that if God called me to be where I am, that we were going to somehow make it work. HE would somehow make it work if it was part of His divine plan.
The last couple of weeks, between school, church, and life, God has been showing me the importance of being honest and vulnerable, ESPECIALLY while in community with others. Robert Benson shares in Living Prayer, “[the] gift of brokenness is often the only gift that we can give or receive with any real honesty and with any real hope and with any real power. We do no demonstrate our faith when we live in light, we show our faith when we live in the dark.” Well, I felt broken yesterday. And as I lay down to sleep, I realized that God was using this to bring glory to Him. He was calling me to be broken, to be shaken, so that I would go to Him. So that others may also go to because I was willing to share.
WHATEVER you are going though, know that God is there. Jeremiah 29:11 states: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” He has plans for you that are SO MUCH BIGGER that you could ever imagine. He never promises that it’ll be an easy road, but he does promise that he will be with you through it all. “For he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). And most importantly he LOVES YOU. He loves you, and he wants nothing but the best for you. He wants you to run to him. Run to him when you are happy, run to him when you are scared, run to him when you are suffering beyond all compare. He’s there, he always will be.
Just trust him. Trust that His plans are better than yours. Trust that the creator of the universe, who created you, and who loves you more than you could EVER possibly imagine has things under control. Trust that better things are yet to come. Trust that He will get you through it all. Trust that he LOVES YOU and cares deeply about you. Trust God. Trust GOD. TRUST GOD.
“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” -Romans 8:38-39